96 / Male / Narcissist / It's Complicated
Pyongyang – KP
So I guess you're wondering where this all started huh? how this shadowy figure in front of you came to be? well kid, I'll tell ya *takes puff of illegal cuban cigar* but then, I'll have to kill ya.
See, it all began with a small boy in Nigeria with a dream, a dream to rise above the slave-traders, dirt-gobblers, and ditch-diggers of my putrid home town. Every night I would stare out of my window at the blood red sky and wish that my life would somehow turn around, I wished for a miracle that I thought would never come true, oh how wrong I was. The next morning I awoke in my hut to find my mother and father slain in front of me. They're necks were sliced from ear to ear and blood dripped from the s***-covered ceiling of the place I called home. I quickly put on my potato sack (as a potato sack was the only thing I could find that was sufficient clothing) and ran outside to find a group of elite American espionage soldiers. When I asked them what they were doing they explained to me that they were on a top secret mission from president Taft to remove the current Nigerian overlord from office, by any means necessary (If you catch my drift). They also related to me why it was necessary to murder all the elders in my village and spare the younglings such as myself:
" You see" said the American soldier.
" All the elders in your village were useless to us and also too weak to fight back, it was out of mercy that we took their lives. Oh, and as for the young ones..."
The soldier licked his crusty lips and gave a devilish wink that was as sexually arousing as it was mysterious.
"We're just going to harvest their organs, for the greater good of course"
The soldiers chose not to harvest my organs, as they liked the cut of my jib and I was soon being taken on a plane heading straight for America. Although I was a bit sad that I wouldn't get to have a hand in the murder of my country's brutal dictator, I was soon very pleased by the thought of my new life in America, and even more please by the soldier they had chosen to fly me there. She was beautiful, from her golden hair to her camouflage boots, she must have been the prettiest woman I had ever seen.
"We don't have women soldiers in my country" I said nervously as she flew the A-10 Thunderbolt II through the Tibetan mountains.
"W-what's your name?" I asked
She looked back at me and gave a sly smile that nearly made my heart burst out of my chest.
"My name is Sandra, Sandra
Bullock" (No relation)
There was no doubt about it, she was the one. The only thing on my mind at that moment was how to seduce her into becoming my new girlfriend, so I thought and thought and eventually narrowed down the one, sure-fire way to win over her heart. I quickly unbuckled my seatbelt and nuzzled my bald soggy head on her shoulder. Sandra turned around again, smiled pleasantly, and said:
"You know, that potato sack looks good on you, but it would look better on my bedroom floor"
This was truly the happiest day of my life, or so I thought. As it turns out, my antics and sexual advances toward Sandra had put us off course and we made an unfortunate collision with the World Trade Center. I survived but Sandra didn't, so I decided the best thing for me was to travel, I traveled all through the united states and had plenty of rad adventures,then I traveled the world. Wherever I went I always stayed in the shadows, like a quiet assassin, waiting, just waiting for the right moment to strike. Eventually I settled down in the most magical place on Earth, the Democratic Peoples Republic of North Korea. At first I was at a loss of what to do with all the newly fund leisure time I was given, that is until I realized there was something missing from my almost perfect life, something I still had to do, and that thing was make a profile on